Revenge, Taters and Imagination

Dear Shannon Stewart...
We know you are still kinda pissed at us, because our wall broke Torii Hunter last year. But we too were very sad when the wall bit him. We said we were sorry then.
SO THAT IS NO FRAKKING REASON TO TRY TO BASH ONE OF OUR BEST YOUNG PITCHERS IN THE LEG WITH THE BALL.
We would very much appreciate NO ONE BREAKING JONATHAN PAPELBON. OKAY?
Go pull that shit with the Yankees and Jaret Wright, he's used to it by now.

Dear Rudy Seanez,
You are not my favorite Rudy right now. My favorite Rudy would be Sean Astin. My favorite coach Rudy would be Tomjanovich. But I don't even like you more than Rudy Giuliani. Yes, he may be a New Yorker. Yes, he's a Republican. BUT AT LEAST RUDY GIULANI DIDN'T GIVE UP TWO HOME RUNS IN ONE INNING TO THE GOLDURNED TWINS. I mean, it's the Twins. They would love to be even called "light-hitting". It would be the highlight of their week.

Dear Enrique Wilson,
QUE?
What?
A triple?
Well, okay.

Dear Joe and Jerry,
I love you. I love your voices. But I especially love the late innings of Spring Training games, when you have to send an intern to look up the name of whatever Single-A schlub is now playing right field for the Reds.
I like it even better when you give up on that and just unabashedly make names up.

Dear Coco,
1b. 2b. 3b.
Aw, hell yeah. Keep on keeping on just like that.
But you don't have to do that every game. At least not in Spring Training, or you'll use all the mojo up.
You got the first RBI of the Spring. Here's to you, you sexy, sexy man.