Can We Come To Order Please?
(Scene: A random conference room deep in the bowels of Fenway Park)
(KEVIN YOUKILIS, J.T SNOW, MARK LORETTA, ALEX CORA, and MIKE LOWELL sit around a plastic card table)
YOUKILIS: As chairman, I call this meeting of the Red Sox Infielders World Domination and Cooking Club Club to order.....(notes Cora waving insistently) Yes, Alex?
CORA: I forget, why exactly are you chairman again?
YOUKILIS: Because I have seniority, remember?
CORA: All four of us are older than you.
YOUKILIS: Red Sox seniority, Alexander...
LORETTA: And the fact that he's hitting the best out of all of us.
CORA: Oh, right.
YOUKILIS: Now, let's see how the Club Offiicial Plan for World Domination is coming. Mike, what's your report?
LOWELL: (in dulcet German tones; think Alan Rickman from Die Hard) Indeed, Mister Chairman. I am highly pleased with the success of Phases One and Two.
YOUKILIS: AKA " Operation Reduced Expectations", and the current phase, "Operation Double"?
LOWELL: Exactly. By first emphasizing my vulnerability, and then going on a hot streak, I have drawn in that pool of fans previously utilized by Herr Mueller, leaving them ripe for indoctrination in to our army of WORLD DOMINATION! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
YOUKILIS: (bangs gavel) All right, Michael, calm down, calm down. And stop using that German accent, it's creeping me out.
LOWELL: (normal voice) Oh, you're no fun.
YOUKILIS: Watch it....now, J.T, how are we coming on the scientific side of it?
SNOW: It's going pretty well, I think. Tito has played right into our hands, giving me all that time on the bench. I have been repeatedly able to slip out to work on our Brainwashing Machine, under the Third Base Concourse. It's looking splendid.
YOUKILIS: Good, good. Now, time for Mark's report. (notices LORETTA is not paying attention) Mark? MARK!
LORETTA:(looks up and over his hornrim glasses) Aw shucks, what? I just saw a really pretty luna moth for my collection.
YOUKILIS: (sighs) This is the problem, Mark. You're not pulling your weight, you're off with your beetles, when you need to be working on your hitting, drawing in new fans for indoctrination. This cold streak you've been on could have seriously damaged The Plan.
LORETTA: Oh, Kevin, please, don't kick me out, I promise, I promise I'll be good.
YOUKILIS: Well, all right, you better be, but for now, you're moving on to Cora's project.
LORETTA: The Subway Infiltration? Aw, but it's dark down there.
CORA: You're telling me...
YOUKILIS: (angrily) ENOUGH! I am the Chairman here. And trust me, I know what is best. Do you want to go back to being a normal infield, or do you WANT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD? Becuase, we can do it, we have the power, we can bend the fans to our will, and mold them to our nefarious puposes. ARE YOU WITH ME?
LORETTA: YES!
LOWELL: YES!
CORA: YES!
SNOW: YES!
YOUKILIS: ALL HAIL THE POWER OF THE RED SOX INFIELD!!!!!!!!
ALL: ALL HAIL THE POWER OF THE RED SOX INFIELD!!
(knock on the door) (everbody turns the lights off, runs and hides)
ALEX GONZALEZ: Hey, is anybody here? Yoooo-hoooo....Damnit.
There's something going on here, I just can't figure out what. (leaves)
(Nefarious chuckles emanate from the darkness.)
Hahahahaha....
TO BE CONTINUED
(KEVIN YOUKILIS, J.T SNOW, MARK LORETTA, ALEX CORA, and MIKE LOWELL sit around a plastic card table)
YOUKILIS: As chairman, I call this meeting of the Red Sox Infielders World Domination and Cooking Club Club to order.....(notes Cora waving insistently) Yes, Alex?
CORA: I forget, why exactly are you chairman again?
YOUKILIS: Because I have seniority, remember?
CORA: All four of us are older than you.
YOUKILIS: Red Sox seniority, Alexander...
LORETTA: And the fact that he's hitting the best out of all of us.
CORA: Oh, right.
YOUKILIS: Now, let's see how the Club Offiicial Plan for World Domination is coming. Mike, what's your report?
LOWELL: (in dulcet German tones; think Alan Rickman from Die Hard) Indeed, Mister Chairman. I am highly pleased with the success of Phases One and Two.
YOUKILIS: AKA " Operation Reduced Expectations", and the current phase, "Operation Double"?
LOWELL: Exactly. By first emphasizing my vulnerability, and then going on a hot streak, I have drawn in that pool of fans previously utilized by Herr Mueller, leaving them ripe for indoctrination in to our army of WORLD DOMINATION! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
YOUKILIS: (bangs gavel) All right, Michael, calm down, calm down. And stop using that German accent, it's creeping me out.
LOWELL: (normal voice) Oh, you're no fun.
YOUKILIS: Watch it....now, J.T, how are we coming on the scientific side of it?
SNOW: It's going pretty well, I think. Tito has played right into our hands, giving me all that time on the bench. I have been repeatedly able to slip out to work on our Brainwashing Machine, under the Third Base Concourse. It's looking splendid.
YOUKILIS: Good, good. Now, time for Mark's report. (notices LORETTA is not paying attention) Mark? MARK!
LORETTA:(looks up and over his hornrim glasses) Aw shucks, what? I just saw a really pretty luna moth for my collection.
YOUKILIS: (sighs) This is the problem, Mark. You're not pulling your weight, you're off with your beetles, when you need to be working on your hitting, drawing in new fans for indoctrination. This cold streak you've been on could have seriously damaged The Plan.
LORETTA: Oh, Kevin, please, don't kick me out, I promise, I promise I'll be good.
YOUKILIS: Well, all right, you better be, but for now, you're moving on to Cora's project.
LORETTA: The Subway Infiltration? Aw, but it's dark down there.
CORA: You're telling me...
YOUKILIS: (angrily) ENOUGH! I am the Chairman here. And trust me, I know what is best. Do you want to go back to being a normal infield, or do you WANT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD? Becuase, we can do it, we have the power, we can bend the fans to our will, and mold them to our nefarious puposes. ARE YOU WITH ME?
LORETTA: YES!
LOWELL: YES!
CORA: YES!
SNOW: YES!
YOUKILIS: ALL HAIL THE POWER OF THE RED SOX INFIELD!!!!!!!!
ALL: ALL HAIL THE POWER OF THE RED SOX INFIELD!!
(knock on the door) (everbody turns the lights off, runs and hides)
ALEX GONZALEZ: Hey, is anybody here? Yoooo-hoooo....Damnit.
There's something going on here, I just can't figure out what. (leaves)
(Nefarious chuckles emanate from the darkness.)
Hahahahaha....
TO BE CONTINUED
posted by Emma at 3:55 PM
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